What’s Latest With Me???

Like many of us, I tried to plan my life carefully the way I think would make it better: from every day’s choices to career choices. But what I forgot to consider is, sometimes things don’t come my way. No wonder why I get frustrated or angry with myself. I was so focused on the things around me that I forgot to seek the will of my greatest friend, Jesus Christ. For a believer, we all know how important it is to seek God’s will in our lives. The approval that would lead us to blissful lives.

Sometimes, it’s hard to stay righteous in every circumstance that comes our way; in every test that you have to go through; in things that you tried not to think about. It’s like a battle within yourself that you have to face through before it would slip right on your EGO (a psychological term used with your actions shown in comparison to ID and SUPEREGO).

Like for example, with my family, for so many times, I tried to help them out the best that I can, but sometimes even my best is not appreciated. I have told them my situation right now, no work no pay since I have to stay with the baby. But I wonder if sometimes I am heard with what I am telling them. All the time they have reasons to ask for money because of every need that they have from my sister’s tuiton to electric and water bills, everything financially is well depended on me. But what can you do when you too, have bills to pay over here? Have credit card trying to pay. It makes wonder if they truly understand how expensive the American life is. I guess not! I am not saying I don’t want to help them, all I want is just mere understanding. Such as case like this, few weeks ago I just sent them money to help them out. After 2 weeks, here they are writing and asking for money again. Gosh, you haven’t even paid your bills yet and look what you get?! Isn’t that frustrating? All they can tell you is their NEEDS! What do they think of me over here? Just picking up money on the streets? They would write emails begging and asking for mercy toward them, as if they starved to death. Do I really have to carry the responsibility forever? I am the eldest of the 6 children. My parents told me I am responsible for my siblings since I am the oldest. Not to mention, how they treated me on my college days, with tears all the time. I hardly had emotional support from my parents. But I never hated them, God knows how I asked Him to help them and to do my best for them. But I, myself need a lot of help too! Before I left them (in coming here), I gave them capital to start a bakery, but what did they do to it? When I got here, I asked people to help get a tricyle for them for family’s sustainability, but what happened to it? My youngest sister is 22 years old, from 6 siblings at least 2 or 3 can already help by looking for work to help the family. Not just me all the time, pleaseeee… I would admit, I get frustrated from them. I felt taken for granted all the time. But who would come up as the “bad guy” at the end? Exactly, it’s ME! I would admit sometimes, they are a burden to me. Especially when you tried too hard and it’s not always enough.

God, I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but honestly, sometimes, it’s just too much for me to bear. I could hardly even get something for myself. Next month, I will be worrying where to get the money I would need to pay my bills since I’m making none right now. All I have Lord is just hope. I want to help them but also I want to be helped. I’m not griping for anything God, I am just expressing these frustrations I am trying to let go. I don’t want it to consume me that I could not function well as your child nor pretend it is ok when it is not. I want to see your will regarding this, God or show my family, how desperate I am.  It’s been burdening me all the time and I don’t want it to trigger like an off and on switch whenever it wants to. I want to be free from it’s negative emotions that it brings. All I am asking you God is to give me wisdom to show me how!

Even with my career, I am starting to doubt it. Is this really what you want me to go? Why is not working? Are you trying to test me even to this? It happened twice already, what would be next? What do you want me to do, God? I don’t seem to understand! It feels so perfect but it’s not even close. What else do I have to do to finally achieve the plans which I thought would be best? If not, please don’t let me expect too much, it’s just breaking the innermost part of my soul. But you see God, how I tried to stand up from that fall, and still remind myself, you have the best plan for me. Please, stay with me at this time of my life God, cause everything is just so vague. I tried to move forward but I don’t know which way to go. Things around me are trying to pull me down in quagmire of emotions. Save me before I will totally lost my grip. Remind me that you’re still there for me. I know I wasn’t faithful toward you nor to your word. But even that Lord, won’t be the hinder of showing me your blessings. I want to be blessed because right now I need to be blessed.  If patience is what it takes, then recharge me before I will run out of it. Be my shield God from all these firy darts hitting me, cause things just don’t go my way… so please put me back on your track where you want me to be!