What’s Latest With Me???

Like many of us, I tried to plan my life carefully the way I think would make it better: from every day’s choices to career choices. But what I forgot to consider is, sometimes things don’t come my way. No wonder why I get frustrated or angry with myself. I was so focused on the things around me that I forgot to seek the will of my greatest friend, Jesus Christ. For a believer, we all know how important it is to seek God’s will in our lives. The approval that would lead us to blissful lives.

Sometimes, it’s hard to stay righteous in every circumstance that comes our way; in every test that you have to go through; in things that you tried not to think about. It’s like a battle within yourself that you have to face through before it would slip right on your EGO (a psychological term used with your actions shown in comparison to ID and SUPEREGO).

Like for example, with my family, for so many times, I tried to help them out the best that I can, but sometimes even my best is not appreciated. I have told them my situation right now, no work no pay since I have to stay with the baby. But I wonder if sometimes I am heard with what I am telling them. All the time they have reasons to ask for money because of every need that they have from my sister’s tuiton to electric and water bills, everything financially is well depended on me. But what can you do when you too, have bills to pay over here? Have credit card trying to pay. It makes wonder if they truly understand how expensive the American life is. I guess not! I am not saying I don’t want to help them, all I want is just mere understanding. Such as case like this, few weeks ago I just sent them money to help them out. After 2 weeks, here they are writing and asking for money again. Gosh, you haven’t even paid your bills yet and look what you get?! Isn’t that frustrating? All they can tell you is their NEEDS! What do they think of me over here? Just picking up money on the streets? They would write emails begging and asking for mercy toward them, as if they starved to death. Do I really have to carry the responsibility forever? I am the eldest of the 6 children. My parents told me I am responsible for my siblings since I am the oldest. Not to mention, how they treated me on my college days, with tears all the time. I hardly had emotional support from my parents. But I never hated them, God knows how I asked Him to help them and to do my best for them. But I, myself need a lot of help too! Before I left them (in coming here), I gave them capital to start a bakery, but what did they do to it? When I got here, I asked people to help get a tricyle for them for family’s sustainability, but what happened to it? My youngest sister is 22 years old, from 6 siblings at least 2 or 3 can already help by looking for work to help the family. Not just me all the time, pleaseeee… I would admit, I get frustrated from them. I felt taken for granted all the time. But who would come up as the “bad guy” at the end? Exactly, it’s ME! I would admit sometimes, they are a burden to me. Especially when you tried too hard and it’s not always enough.

God, I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but honestly, sometimes, it’s just too much for me to bear. I could hardly even get something for myself. Next month, I will be worrying where to get the money I would need to pay my bills since I’m making none right now. All I have Lord is just hope. I want to help them but also I want to be helped. I’m not griping for anything God, I am just expressing these frustrations I am trying to let go. I don’t want it to consume me that I could not function well as your child nor pretend it is ok when it is not. I want to see your will regarding this, God or show my family, how desperate I am.  It’s been burdening me all the time and I don’t want it to trigger like an off and on switch whenever it wants to. I want to be free from it’s negative emotions that it brings. All I am asking you God is to give me wisdom to show me how!

Even with my career, I am starting to doubt it. Is this really what you want me to go? Why is not working? Are you trying to test me even to this? It happened twice already, what would be next? What do you want me to do, God? I don’t seem to understand! It feels so perfect but it’s not even close. What else do I have to do to finally achieve the plans which I thought would be best? If not, please don’t let me expect too much, it’s just breaking the innermost part of my soul. But you see God, how I tried to stand up from that fall, and still remind myself, you have the best plan for me. Please, stay with me at this time of my life God, cause everything is just so vague. I tried to move forward but I don’t know which way to go. Things around me are trying to pull me down in quagmire of emotions. Save me before I will totally lost my grip. Remind me that you’re still there for me. I know I wasn’t faithful toward you nor to your word. But even that Lord, won’t be the hinder of showing me your blessings. I want to be blessed because right now I need to be blessed.  If patience is what it takes, then recharge me before I will run out of it. Be my shield God from all these firy darts hitting me, cause things just don’t go my way… so please put me back on your track where you want me to be!

Our lives have totally changed the moment we brought the baby home. We never sleep on the same bed but instead used the one by the nursery just to stay close to the baby during the night. Our home is filled with cries and squirms now and then. Probably the most beautiful sound I have heard. And yes, woke you up in the middle of the night or every two hours, and making sure he is breathing while on his sleep. 

Although what this little creature can do right now is to eat, pee, poop, and sleep, I can’t wait for the time he will look at my face and realize I’m his mommy. The unintentional smiles he bestowed at me while his eyes are closed had already made my heart jump with joy. I can’t wait for the time when those smiles are meant to be.

The bonding that we share during the feeding time was beautiful. Knowing what your body can do for this creature and how much he needed you at this crucial time of his life. Even to this, it takes patience.

I never felt so protective toward something else until with this baby. I have worked with babies and toodlers, but when it comes to my own, it was different. The desire to offer him the best is intense. I want him to have the best life with me and even doing things my way, if only is possible then I would… but unfortunately, I am only a steward of this blessing. God has planned for him which may be different from my own. Although I want him to become something else, God may want him to be somebody else.

The best thing I can do, is to enjoy every moment with him. Months from now his clothes may never fit him anymore, he will be eating solid foods, or started to crawl around the house. It may be a while until he would finally appreciate the things that we do for him but until then, he will always be loved and taken cared of.

Perhaps the other great things we can do for him is to show him how to live in this world, and teach him the things that he needs to learn. Things that would equip him in facing this challenging world and would enable him to stand for himself when we can’t be there anymore. When the time comes when he realize, that everything we do is for his own sake, I am sure by that time, every effort made will be rewarded!