What’s Latest With Me???

Waiting sometimes feels like forever, especially when it comes to job hunting. Anxious for results or calls from places I have placed my applications. Thoughts of not being able to work full time this year break me. The desire to save so I could go visit my family in the Philippines next year is so desperate. I have to remind myself that God loves me! God truly LOVES me! The more I think about it, the more I put my trust in Him. He took me this far and just to leave me empty handed. I do believe He has the best plan for me. Despite of the economy crisis, as a child of the living God, I shouldn’t be affected with these things. Tithing never felt so good until you fully understand that everything belongs to God and we are just steward of the blessings! Amos and I learned it. so whatever blessings that comes in our hands, the joy of giving part of it for God is exciting. Indeed, as God of words and promises, poured his blessings to us in so many ways. As much as He is faithful to keep His promise of prosperity, health and eternal life, same faith I have to grave in my thoughts that He will definitely provide me a teaching job. Although sometimes, thoughts of being discriminated cross my mind, through the power of the Holy Spirit, I will be able to bind these thoughts that only bring discouragement and destructions. Oh yes in Your Name, Yeshua (Jesus), I powerfully bind them and don’t let it cross my thoughts ever again! There’s blessings in waiting. Patience as a gift of the Spirit, I call it to come to my senses and fill every neuron of my physicality. As I wait in Your will, oh, God, help me keep my mind for the things that matters most…

I have more peace as this year starts knowing God is still in control of everything. Last year was a more relaxed year for my career. Although, I have desire to work but there was no opportunity for me to. Perhaps, it was a way God telling me to take it easy. On the other hand I have seen it beneficial knowing I have spent most of it with Gunner. Now that he is turning one year, it seems that it was yesterday when this little guy helpless in my arms knew nothing but to eat and sleep. But now he can chase me all over the place with his stroller while laughing as he managely manuevers at every obstacle. I’m well-pleased how he is turning to be. Onry indeed! His teethy grin tells me how independent his mind can be in perceiving the world around him. Very much like me!!! I still couldn’t contain myself of life’s blessings that ELOHIM has been given to us!

I have so much belief that this will be a great year for my career too. I have currently found out my teaching certificate is being processed and hopefully in no time, I will be able to find a teaching job in the district. Gratitude to my mentors who gave great recommendations of my behalf. I’m so honored and blessed and hopefully it will be a great step of finding my well-prayed job. I will keep hoping for the best and continue to enjoy as God’s blessings are unraveled before me.

Instead of enrolling for MA class this semester, I thought it would be best to take it slow and to wait for a while. Although my plan is to enroll classes in Special Reading Program (original plan was to take Special Ed but after weighing advices from people I have found out the Reading is what I would love to best), but since most classes are offered online, I don’t have much confidence with our internet connection at home. After a very discouraging experience with my last classes online and had totally pull my GPA down, I don’t think it’s wise right now. There’s so much work to do at a very limited time when you take online classes! WORST if you have dial up!

Religious life has been great! Amos and I were going deeper with our spiritual walk by taking Hebrew classes every Sunday night. Plus, free baby sitting at those hours! Our spiritual lives have a great impact in our well-being. This has affected us on how we face the world everyday, how we socialize,and how we view circumstances. But most of all, it is our individual relationship to the ONE who had created everything! Everyday, it’s a choice and that we choose to live to glorify Him!

“Beresheeth bara Elohim Alef-Taf hashamayim v-etharetz” Genesis 1:1 in Hebrew

School! School and more school stuff. I am currently doing my student teaching in one of the local elementary schools in the area. After we moved here by the lake, I hardly know anything about the place aside from my inlaws, not even the school district. When I first came to the main school in the district, I was surprised that they have separate buildings for K-2, 3-4, and 5-6.

I am enjoying every bit of the experience. I’ve been handling classes in Science, Social Studies and Language Arts. The students were drawn to me, to the point of messing up my classroom management. They liketo hang out with me on their recess and share stuff with me. I really don’t mind. Interacting with them is what I am good at.

My cooperating teacher constantly tells me to apply on the district as soon as I’m done. Especially on the building where I am right now. She said she heard that one teacher in third grade will be resigning. It would be nice if I could be on the same building. If I will be hired around the district it would really be wonderful. I would feel good as a person and also as a professional.

My next plan is to continue on the master program. I was thinking on either going in the Special Education or the Instructional Technology. If I passed the licensing exam on Special Ed and be certified then I just have to go on the IT field. Well right now I am taking one step at a time. In every step, in every performance, I love to do my best. So if opportunity comes on my way, at least there are people who can prove of my worthiness.

Of course, most of all I never forget to thank God for everything He has done! I am grateful for every blessing He has for me and for opening it right in front of me! He has truly shown his faithfulness!

Around 5 a.m. I was surprised with a bouquet of pink roses when I woke up to feed Gunnner. It was right inside the crib by the latter’s feet. The card was the first thing that got my attention which was at the bottom of the vase, then my eyes were drewn upward. There’s the roses… neatly tucked in a vase. I oohhed and smiled knowing how Amos managed to sneak those flowers that night. I wasn’t expecting for another treat that day since he already took me to the movie last Friday and was even with him when we stopped by at Walmart to get baby’s formula that night. Hhhmm… sneaky Swiper… It’s nice to know that somehow he still knows how to be romantic despite of a busy day. Geeh, I’m glad I wasn’t mistaken… He always knows how to bring a smile on my face the moment I least expect it.

The year started so fast, from having Gunner, moving out in Richland and moved in a big house by the lake (which we don’t even own), house on sale, stay at home mom… it’s totally surprising… And  here I am trying hard to build a career that I could back on and hoping I could pass the PRAXIS… whew! I’m just crossing my fingers and keeping the faith that may God send His mercy to this helpless soul… I’ll see what will happen next… (whispering a prayer…)

Like many of us, I tried to plan my life carefully the way I think would make it better: from every day’s choices to career choices. But what I forgot to consider is, sometimes things don’t come my way. No wonder why I get frustrated or angry with myself. I was so focused on the things around me that I forgot to seek the will of my greatest friend, Jesus Christ. For a believer, we all know how important it is to seek God’s will in our lives. The approval that would lead us to blissful lives.

Sometimes, it’s hard to stay righteous in every circumstance that comes our way; in every test that you have to go through; in things that you tried not to think about. It’s like a battle within yourself that you have to face through before it would slip right on your EGO (a psychological term used with your actions shown in comparison to ID and SUPEREGO).

Like for example, with my family, for so many times, I tried to help them out the best that I can, but sometimes even my best is not appreciated. I have told them my situation right now, no work no pay since I have to stay with the baby. But I wonder if sometimes I am heard with what I am telling them. All the time they have reasons to ask for money because of every need that they have from my sister’s tuiton to electric and water bills, everything financially is well depended on me. But what can you do when you too, have bills to pay over here? Have credit card trying to pay. It makes wonder if they truly understand how expensive the American life is. I guess not! I am not saying I don’t want to help them, all I want is just mere understanding. Such as case like this, few weeks ago I just sent them money to help them out. After 2 weeks, here they are writing and asking for money again. Gosh, you haven’t even paid your bills yet and look what you get?! Isn’t that frustrating? All they can tell you is their NEEDS! What do they think of me over here? Just picking up money on the streets? They would write emails begging and asking for mercy toward them, as if they starved to death. Do I really have to carry the responsibility forever? I am the eldest of the 6 children. My parents told me I am responsible for my siblings since I am the oldest. Not to mention, how they treated me on my college days, with tears all the time. I hardly had emotional support from my parents. But I never hated them, God knows how I asked Him to help them and to do my best for them. But I, myself need a lot of help too! Before I left them (in coming here), I gave them capital to start a bakery, but what did they do to it? When I got here, I asked people to help get a tricyle for them for family’s sustainability, but what happened to it? My youngest sister is 22 years old, from 6 siblings at least 2 or 3 can already help by looking for work to help the family. Not just me all the time, pleaseeee… I would admit, I get frustrated from them. I felt taken for granted all the time. But who would come up as the “bad guy” at the end? Exactly, it’s ME! I would admit sometimes, they are a burden to me. Especially when you tried too hard and it’s not always enough.

God, I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but honestly, sometimes, it’s just too much for me to bear. I could hardly even get something for myself. Next month, I will be worrying where to get the money I would need to pay my bills since I’m making none right now. All I have Lord is just hope. I want to help them but also I want to be helped. I’m not griping for anything God, I am just expressing these frustrations I am trying to let go. I don’t want it to consume me that I could not function well as your child nor pretend it is ok when it is not. I want to see your will regarding this, God or show my family, how desperate I am.  It’s been burdening me all the time and I don’t want it to trigger like an off and on switch whenever it wants to. I want to be free from it’s negative emotions that it brings. All I am asking you God is to give me wisdom to show me how!

Even with my career, I am starting to doubt it. Is this really what you want me to go? Why is not working? Are you trying to test me even to this? It happened twice already, what would be next? What do you want me to do, God? I don’t seem to understand! It feels so perfect but it’s not even close. What else do I have to do to finally achieve the plans which I thought would be best? If not, please don’t let me expect too much, it’s just breaking the innermost part of my soul. But you see God, how I tried to stand up from that fall, and still remind myself, you have the best plan for me. Please, stay with me at this time of my life God, cause everything is just so vague. I tried to move forward but I don’t know which way to go. Things around me are trying to pull me down in quagmire of emotions. Save me before I will totally lost my grip. Remind me that you’re still there for me. I know I wasn’t faithful toward you nor to your word. But even that Lord, won’t be the hinder of showing me your blessings. I want to be blessed because right now I need to be blessed.  If patience is what it takes, then recharge me before I will run out of it. Be my shield God from all these firy darts hitting me, cause things just don’t go my way… so please put me back on your track where you want me to be!

Our lives have totally changed the moment we brought the baby home. We never sleep on the same bed but instead used the one by the nursery just to stay close to the baby during the night. Our home is filled with cries and squirms now and then. Probably the most beautiful sound I have heard. And yes, woke you up in the middle of the night or every two hours, and making sure he is breathing while on his sleep. 

Although what this little creature can do right now is to eat, pee, poop, and sleep, I can’t wait for the time he will look at my face and realize I’m his mommy. The unintentional smiles he bestowed at me while his eyes are closed had already made my heart jump with joy. I can’t wait for the time when those smiles are meant to be.

The bonding that we share during the feeding time was beautiful. Knowing what your body can do for this creature and how much he needed you at this crucial time of his life. Even to this, it takes patience.

I never felt so protective toward something else until with this baby. I have worked with babies and toodlers, but when it comes to my own, it was different. The desire to offer him the best is intense. I want him to have the best life with me and even doing things my way, if only is possible then I would… but unfortunately, I am only a steward of this blessing. God has planned for him which may be different from my own. Although I want him to become something else, God may want him to be somebody else.

The best thing I can do, is to enjoy every moment with him. Months from now his clothes may never fit him anymore, he will be eating solid foods, or started to crawl around the house. It may be a while until he would finally appreciate the things that we do for him but until then, he will always be loved and taken cared of.

Perhaps the other great things we can do for him is to show him how to live in this world, and teach him the things that he needs to learn. Things that would equip him in facing this challenging world and would enable him to stand for himself when we can’t be there anymore. When the time comes when he realize, that everything we do is for his own sake, I am sure by that time, every effort made will be rewarded!

It was on Mother’s Day. I woke up and told my husband about my dream. I saw a baby girl sitting on the side of our bed. She was wearing a pink sleeveless dress with round neck and was sitting on her bottom. I could clearly see her eyes, her nose and her lips. Her hair was dark and her skin was fair. I was so amazed how detailed my dream was. I told my family and relatives about it. They even joke me maybe I am pregnant. For days, the dream keeps so vivid in my mind. So I decided to write a poem about it. Here how it goes…

I Dreamed of You…

I dreamed of you one night right on Mother’s day.

I saw your eyes, your nose, your lips, and your face, its all clear to me.

You were sitting on the side of the bed staring at us.

Your eyes were full of spark and curiosity.

I guess you were curious of us too.

Although I did not see you smile in my dream but in reality we will always make you smile.

You’re wearing a pink sleeveless dress with a round neck while you sit on your bottom. You got Asian eyes like I do, a cute nose and pink thin lips like daddy.

Your skin is fair, fairer than mine.

You are so beautiful.

I can’t wait to hold you in my arms.

Baby girl, when will God send you to us?

I’ve been waiting for the day, I would find out you are part of me.

Very soon, we will make a room for you in the house.

I can’t wait to get your stuff. I am so excited.

If you’re still with God, please let Him know we are excited to have you here.

We will raise you knowing Him and we will love you like how He has loved us.

When you come, I will start thinking of your name.

Could it be Lexine or it could be something else?

We will find baby girl, we will let you know very soon.

I will wait my dearest…

I will wait for you till then.

                                                                               With so much love for you,

                                                                                          Your mommy

The poem may sounds corny but not to someone who’s wanting to have a baby so bad. On the 22nd of this month (May), I found out I was pregnant! Was the dream was the sign? I asked God to show me a sign when it was time for me to have a baby.

After all those frustrating negative results it finally confirmed I am pregnant. The joy I felt was just undescribable. The excitement that I’ve been wanting to feel has finally felt. Although there are things that make me worry such as physical changes, stretchmarks and weight change, but knowing there will be another life breathing in me, I am willing to take all the chances. Afterall, what’s beautiful is having the greatest gift from God is having children!

I pray that I won’t have any misfortune of losing the baby. I want to keep it as it is. May God will keep it safe. I am excited to experience all the changes in me. I know it will be a very wonderful 9 months journey. I want a girl but whatever God will give us, we would gladly welcome it! Amos and I is looking forward for the day we will have the new member in the family deliver. He was excited and very supportive about it but his only comments… "I’m glad the pipe works." Oh, God bless his heart! He is just a very proud daddy.

I realized the job that I had at the Fort as cook helper was not for me. Not to discriminate others but I wasn’t happy as I expected to. Probably because I am more into challenges where I can improve myself professionally as a teacher, wherein I can work wherever there are children. So after I submitted my resignation, I applied to work in the School-Age Services at the Fort, where they have preschools and kindergarten. With no expectations for the job, I decided to substitute since I am qualified. Although it was a part time job, it was indeed very rewarding. I worked with High School, Middle School and Elementary. But since school is over, it means no job now except maybe on summer classes. But if there’s opportunity, it wouldn’t be that much.

This week I got a call for an interview at the School-Age Services. I don’t know what to expect and I wasn’t expecting at all. Their main priority is if you are a military wife. Unfortunately, I am not. I was 30 minutes early on my interview. But the director decided to start early anyway. As usual you know how it feels being interviewed. It’s nerve-wrecking but I tried to maintain my confidence. She asked me series of questions practically about the nature of the job I applied for. After the interview, she told me she will select the people whom she will be interviewing for the job. She gave me information about the services, the basic pay and so forth. I left the building with no expectations in getting the job. But I wish I got the chance to know how I did on the interview.

After two days, I got a call from a lady with different accent telling to come to the office (NAF) since I got the job. I forgot to ask her which building so I went to the building where I had the interview. But it was actually on a different building (470). When I got there, she showed me all the paper works I need to fill. She sent me more papers to work with and bring it back on my next appointment on Tuesday.

I heard the job has benefits since parents pay for the services. (NAF- Non-Appropriated Fund). They constantly have training for all the teachers, which the lady told me I can use whenever I’ll go. That would really be great! In the school, They offered so many activities for the children (3-4). Although the outside part of the building was not that attractive, you will be amazed to see inside it. It has so many sections where the kids can move on one to the another to have fun. The place is well kept too. Wow, I would just love working in this place.

My biggest prayer is may God bless me in everything I do. Even this job. I pray that I can get along well with the people I am working with and be able to build rapport on them. I would do my job as a teacher and abide on the rules. I would be the figure the kids can trust and respect. I would be an educator to them who will teach them the basic skills they will be needing everyday. I pray most of all that I would be a blessing in my work place, that they will see I have God’s favor in my life. May this job would just be the start of my career…